January Blues, You Lose

January Blues, You Lose

The poet T.S. Eliot wrote that “April is the cruellest month,” and I must respectfully disagree – it’s totally January. (I also think that the word cruellest should only have one L and Eliot should have 2, but who am I to challenge a great American poet?)
With the sweet memories of Christmas past and the chore of packing away the holiday charm, January is a let down. Cold, pitch black mornings and warm flannel sheets seduce my self-control, hitting the snooze button to the point of being late for work on some mornings. January weather in Oklahoma is sadistic. The unseasonably warm days encourage my eternal longing for springtime, only to be followed by ice and snow and a wind that comes sweeping down the plains direct from the damn polar ice cap. ‘Stupid January, I’m determined to beat you this year’ and just as soon as my brain completes this thought, I see the sign.
I’m using a fragrance warmer in the kitchen and not surprisingly, it’s filled with stress-relieving aromatherapy oil. As the sun goes down at what seems like 4:30, I notice a reflection in the shape of a heart on the wall. I know it’s not magic; just a logical result of light bulb rays converging through 2 holes in the base of the warmer but it reminds me of another time that was more along the lines of a miracle…if you belief in things like that and I certainly do.
Back in October 2010, my daughter Rachel got married and I helped her with the reception decorating. She chose iridescent heart confetti that we dutifully placed on each table. As we cleaned up after the reception, I grabbed a bunch of the precious little hearts and put them in my purse. I thought Rachel might want to put them in a scrap book or shadow box with photos. I gave her all the hearts but for the next month, I would find them in the bottom of my purse every once in a while and get a kick out it.
Almost a year later, my husband changed jobs and it was a tough transition for me. I had stress at work, feelings of doubt and failure about my life – I can see now that it was a spiritual crisis. I carried on a daily internal dialog that was cruel and demeaning. I felt selfish, vulnerable and lost but had a tremendous amount of guilt for denying the recognition of my many blessings. And that’s when the hearts started to appear.
Inexplicably, little tiny iridescent hearts starting showing up in the weirdest places. Two in my desk drawer, 1 in the bottom a purse I’d never used, on the dryer as I was folding clothes and even in the console of my car. At first it was funny, I’d roll my eyes, asking my coworkers “When are these little bastards gonna go away?” I started taking pictures of them just for the hell of it, maybe to prove that it was really happening. By the 3rd time I found a heart in just a matter of days, I knew they were meant for me. A message from the Universe, telling me to remember love. Self love. I had to humble myself, forgive myself for the awful thoughts I’d been having, offer generosity from my heart to others, find a better way to live each day.
It was a slow process but I did move into a better place, emotionally and spiritually. I read some books, practiced daily gratitude, reached out to people who would care for me and I know it all started with the hearts. They gave me faith and the wonder of how they appeared brought a lightness to my heart that I couldn’t muster on my own.
So back to this stupid month, January – a heart shaped reflection brought inspiration, warm memories and love into my soul today, just when I needed it most and that means I win. Your Polar Vortex’s got nothing on me. January Blues, be gone!
Rose Marie B

 Rose is our blogger of the month. She blogs at OkRoseRock.Rose

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